I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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