I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
