I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
