I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Damn victory sex feels great
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
