i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
