toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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