How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He shit in the fireplace
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
