Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
