Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
