if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You've changed since you got that strap on
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
