Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just had sex on a roof
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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