youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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