I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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