I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
