Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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