God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
