My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
