My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
