I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
