I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?