If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.