I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
