just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
