i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
