1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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