It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
