She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Randomize
