Will you blow on my dice?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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