I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
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