drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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