i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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