I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
