I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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