I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
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