everyone is single if you try hard enough
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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