what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
