I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
