I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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