Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
