so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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