And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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