Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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