Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
