I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
