If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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