Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
