When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
