Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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