I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You smell like a Billy Joel song
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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