I faked an abortion last night.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
