I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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