My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
