Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
