I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
