I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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