i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
