I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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