Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
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