omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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