she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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